I woke up today at 5 and couldn't get back to sleep. I've been up shopping online, spending money I don't have. It makes me feel better but only because it gets my mind off of everything. Once I think about all the shit that is bugging me I think about dying. I want to tell Ryan everything that I have been feeling but it's too hard. I can never explain things the way I want to. Things seem petty and selfish when I say them out loud which makes me feel worse. Plus there is never a good time. I can't bring a lot of the stuff up without bursting into tears. It would take an entire day which we never have. I just want to go to bed and not wake up until things are better.

So much shit going on in life and in my head. Nobody to talk to about it though. I have conflicting feelings over A's news. I'm happy for her. I really am! But it makes me even more aware of how shitty I am doing. I just want to be happy. I want to stop worrying about food. I want to be able to hang out with people without constantly wondering if I look dumb or sound like an idiot. I want to wake up in the morning and not analyze everything I did the day before and want to cut myself, once for every stupid thing I think I did. I refuse to get my hopes up or even tell myself that things will work out and get better. They never do. I'm stuck in this hole and every time I think I'll be able to crawl out the walls cave in on me. I'm alone right now. I tried calling my mom to get my mind off the razor blade that's in my makeup drawer. She talked to me for less than a minute before telling me that she's glad that I sound happy (???) and she'll talk to me later. She only wants to talk when she wants to tell me what she bought shopping or what she's making for dinner. I need somewhere to go, somewhere to turn and someone to talk to before I give up.

I'm not sure what was different today but I just feel good. It's Thanksgiving and I had to work. When I found out I had to work I was really annoyed but whatever. I woke up at 5 this morning with the worst hang over, got some water, took some advil and watched tv until I had to get ready for work. Honestly, I really am THANKFUL to even have a job, no matter how pathetic. Everyone that came in was like "Aw! They're making you work on Thanksgiving?!?" But if I wasn't there, who would sell them their MD 20/20 and Camel Lights? Plus I was off at 3 so I didn't have to miss dinner! I surprised myself by how well I did as far as making healthy eating choices. I had one plate of a little mashed potatoes-no gravy, peas, a deviled egg and pickles and a few black olives. I'm full now but not stuffed at all. We took a few pieces of pie home but I don't want to eat one. Right now at least. We're probably having people over tonight and I'm probably going to have another red sparks. Ha, I hope it goes better than last night!

Another lovely day at the Quick Stop. About 10 minutes after I got to work I heard like running water. I was walking over to the radio to turn it down so I could listen and all of the sudden water starts streaming from the celling. Fuck. So I'm running around the store trying to find something to catch water then I'm like do I call the boss? Terri told me NEVER call him but to call her first. So she comes down and finds a big bin to put under it and gives me the "caution: wet" cone. Whew! The water stopped but the celling tile is sagging and I'm worried it's going to come down. Ha ha. I just don't want to have to be the one to clean it up. Maybe I'll get hurt though. I wouldn't mind a settlement and some time off work. Jk.

A little earlier my mom called and left a message on my voicemail. I thought it might be important because we already talked this morning and she knew I would be at work tonight. I checked my messages and she just wanted to tell me how funny Tyra was today and she wishes I could be home to watch it. Tyra is always totally redicules but I guess today she was doing makeovers and gave some chick bozo the clown lips. HA. So my mom isn't the most supportive and can be a downer a lot of the time but sometimes she is so funny. If I wasn't at work I'd flip the chanel to Tyra and have a 25minute sarcastic conversation with her about how I should call the show and let Tyra give me a makeover because Ryan loves over sized lips. Or maybe I could even get one of my WONDERFUL ex's back if I looked better. Hahaha

Uuuugh. I'm at work again until 10. It's boring but no more than sitting on my big at home watching tv. At least when I work I'm forced to get up and dressed. I'm sure Ryan gets tired of coming home at 3 or 4 or 8 and I'm still greasy haired in my spandex and no bra.

I'm so desperate for girl friends. Instead of checking out guys I check out every girl that comes in. I'm like "Oh she's cute!" Ha ha. Seriously, this girl just came in for cigarettes. I carded her and she laughed. 1987. So she's 22. She was like "Yeah I know I look young. I always get carded!" I told her how when I buy beer or go to the liquor store I always see the cashier eying me like there's no way I'm old enough to be there. People tell me I look 15-17. Nobody ever guesses I'm 21. Anyway we talked for a minute and she said her mom owns a store down the street so she'll see me around. My heart is beating fast and I'm like hoping she comes back in and asks for my phone number so we can get dinner or drinks sometime. Lol. It seems so stupid but I really need some girl interaction.
I hope she thinks I'm cool! Ha.

I have Saturday off. Hopefully Ryan doesn't work either so we can do something fun Friday. I want to go to the corn maze. Get wasted and lost. I'm going to try and get Alex and Mike to come up but we all know how that usually turns out. I miss like years ago before we had boyfriends. We were always together. I don't know why girls always lose touch when they get into relationships. Lord knows Ryan still has plenty of time for his guy friends!

Fuck. The radio here gets 1 fucking station clearly. It's a classic rock station so most of it's not that bad but sometimes I want to cry.

Christ it's so fucking cold. The windows on the truck were frozen when I left this morning. I didn't take time to scrape it off, just hit defrost and hoped nobody got in my way. But seriously, I haven't felt warm all day. My hands won't feel warm until about June next year. Ha Ryan loves when I put my icey hands on his bare skin (not really. He actually hates it and yells at me when I do. But I love it so...)
Work is going much faster than it did last night. Thank god. Only 2 more hours until I'm off. I got home at like 10:30 last night and tried to drink as much as I could in a couple hours. I needed to be in bed by like 1 so I could wake up for work this morning. The booze rocked me gently to sleep and I stayed asleep until my alarm went off. How nice is that? I don't want to get into that cycle though. Drugs to wake me up and beer to put me to sleep. What ever works though. Right?

Yesterday I was making R some mashed potatoes for dinner. When I went to drain them somehow I dumped a bunch of boiling water down the front of myself. It burnt the shit out of my thigh and crotch area. Ugh. It didn't blister but it's still red and and hot to the touch. I burst into tears. More because I was pissed at myself for being so clumsy than the pain. I tried to stop crying before Ryan got home but he could tell something was wrong. He kept asking what was up but I didn't want to say it or I would start crying again. Finally I told him I was just kind of sad and that I was annoyed at myself for spilling a bunch of water. Then he asks "How did that happen?"
"I don't know. Because I'm a fucking idiot..."
Then he looks at me with a sad face and is like "Don't say shit like that please. I'm trying to be more positive about shit. You should too"
That just made me start crying again. It just makes me feel like more shit. If Ryan wants more positivity in his life he is going to need to dump me. I don't feel positive. I'm depressed to the maximum. I want to be able to cry to him and vent and complain to him. I want to be able to tell him how I'm actually feeling. I can't tell him when something is wrong or when I feel bad because I feel like I'm just bringing him down. We don't get much time together now that I'm working and he's in school. I wish the time we do have could be happy but I really have a hard time hiding my feelings and faking "okay"

I love Ryan and I expect to be with him for the rest of my life. At least as long as he'll have me. I just wish I could take a break, go somewhere alone for a while. I want to just deal with myself, my own problems, the way that works for me. Blood and drugs. And lots of fucking tears.

Zelly has an appointment today for her eye. I really don't think it's anything major but I'm def not going to risk it. She's my baby! I just wish I had more money. I have a little cash but just the visit is $50 then any medication or treatment she needs. I'll just have to have them bill me. Ugh I haven't even gotten paid yet and my first few checks are spent.
I'm thankful to have a job but I don't feel much better than before. Despite what my mom thinks, I didn't just snap out of my depression when I got a job. I still fantasize about being single so I could just getting wasted all day and cut my arms raw. Only having to worry about hurting myself, not Ryan. I still hate myself. I still don't have a life or friends of my own. I still don't have my own $1.09 for a pack of gum. I 'm still depressed.

My poor kitty. Something is wrong with Zelda. The other day I noticed a small patch of missing fur on her chin. It didn't seem to hurt so I thought maybe she just scratched too hard. Then this morning I noticed that her left eye is cloudy and she keeps winking. I'm not sure if they're related but something isn't right...She's acting like herself though. Maybe a little meowier. I haven't even gotten paid yet and I'm broke but I'm going to call the vet tomorrow since they aren't open Sundays. Hope it doesn't cost too much but it is more important to me that Zelda feels good. I can't wait to get off work and go check on her. :)

I'm so jealous of Ryan. Right now he's out getting himself some new skate shoes. Even though my mom took me shopping yesterday and I got some really cute things. 2 bras, cute panties, a flannel and a faux leather jacket. Stuff I needed but probably wouldn't have bought for myself for a while at least. I know he needs shoes though. He needs new clothes too but he's not really the type to care. He'll get some for Christmas. Ha Ha.

It's so beautiful outside. Incredibly cold but sunny. If I smoked cigarettes I'd have a reason to sit outside and enjoy it...but I guess that is a really stupid reason to smoke..huh

I'm fucking bored if you couldn't tell. Slow day at work. I took an Adderall so I have a lot to say and nobody to listen. I've already dusted, faced, made a HUGE ridiculously long list of expired items and everything else I could think to do. I still have an hour and a half left so this is going to be a really long entry.

Jk

It's weird what a difference one drink makes. Even one sip. I can feel my cheeks getting warm and rosy. I feel better about my day, about myself and about being stuck at the studio on a Friday night watching Ryan push buttons and adjust knobs. Putting his beautiful, brilliant tallent to work. I need my own friends and life. A fucking hobby please! I feel like an accessory in someone else's world. But one more drink and I'll probably feel better about that too. I need to remember to put the bottle caps in my pocket so I know how much I drank in the morning.

The band R's working on sucks. A few 35-40 somethings who think they rock. He's editing one song and keeps replaying the same part over and over.
"Who would care if you were found dead?"
-rewind-
"Who would care if you were found dead?"
-rewind-
"Who would care if you were found dead?"
-rewind-
"....if you were found dead.."